I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
