Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
