He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
