He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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