All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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