Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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