Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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