this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
