Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
