Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
