How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
