Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
