If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
