I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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