I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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