He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
