i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
