Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
