She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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