I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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