I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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