apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
