I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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