I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
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