I wish I could teleport
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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