we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
