So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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