So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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