Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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