made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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