I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
