At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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