I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
