Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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