Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Houston, we have a blender
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
