if you like me you must not know who I am
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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