my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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