My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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