I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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