Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
