I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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