the condom got lost in my hair
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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