Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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