dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
