If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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