I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
