Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Randomize
