Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
