Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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