I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
